As you might know, I am talking a lot about writing more, but not really doing any writing. This creative expression is calling my name all the time, but I always felt like I was waiting for the right moment. And maybe, this is it.
I am pregnant. And today, I want to write about it. The reasons are many, but mostly I am doing this because I so strongly feel that we NEED TO TALK ABOUT WOMEN'S HEALTH, and everything related to the WOMB is that.
Even though I am doing this, I still feel that this is a bit of a controversial subject, which is the exact answer to WHY we, ALL of us, need to open up and share more, so we don't feel so freaking lonely while trying to connect to our WOMBS, in whatever matter. And also, this is MY experience... Feel free to share yours!
Let's start from the beginning. I recently found out that I am pregnant. It is early, and me and my partner calculated it to be about 5 weeks along. We are still in a little bit of a "shocked, but in a really really good way and very happy" kind of haze. The morning after we found out I woke up with determination bursting out of me – I felt then, as I do now, SO strongly that I need TO TALK about this as much as I can. Because one of the first questions you ask yourself is "when do I tell?". Well freaking right away, was my immediate answer, because I just do not resonate with the fear based arguments of waiting until it is "safe" (about 12 weeks) or not "jinxing it". Why do we do this? Because so many other things in life are certain, but not this particular experience? NO! Nothing is certain ever, and you still show up and LIVE every day. So I will show up and share my particular way of living in this body, in my WOMB, at THIS moment in time. I will not deny this amazing and SO magical creation that is happening NOW, and now is ALL that matters.
As I am writing this I feel such a strong need to curse and BE ANGRY about it all. This wound is so ooooold, and it is not mine only – it is OURS, all of us women, it is collective. We have been hushed, not taken seriously, not acknowledged, shamed, cursed, you name it. And I am sad to say, but WE keep doing it in a lot of ways to ourselves and each other even now. Just think about every time you feel the need to hide your tampon/menstrual pad in your hand or pocket in a public place, each time you swallow your feelings, your tears, your rage because you don't want to seem overly "sensitive", each time you hide yourself because you just don't feel safe to show up in the world the way YOU are. There is MORE and I do this as well, and it makes me so sad, and so mad. And in my lineage of women it stops with ME.
Last time I was pregnant, I miscarried. We were pretty far along and of course I knew there was a possibility of a miscarriage happening. But NO ONE talked about it, not one woman that I knew had previous to the day it happened to me talked about it openly. When I miscarried, my need of expressing it in words and tears was very strong, and when I started sharing my experience with my friends and acquaintances it appeared that it had happened to almost all of them, to some even several times. And it seemed to only be shared behind closed doors, as some kind of a dirty secret. At that time I just felt like we've all been left out of this whole, huge world of being a woman and a human being. I can still feel the shame and the guilt and the deep pain of that experience, and it is not only mine, it is OURS, and we NEED to share. We NEED to open up – to ourselves, to our wombs, to each other. We need to feel, and grieve, and cry, and burn through it all and eventually, maybe, let go. But we need to do it TOGETHER.
My vision and hope for this world of ours is openness. In all aspects of life, even the painful ones. By seeing ourselves, we see each other. With all of your beauty and all of your pain and all of your messiness and all of your love, I SEE YOU, SISTER!
I am you, and you are me.
Let's share all of it, let's OWN all of it.
And today it is a New Moon – a perfect time to enter the portal of new beginnings.
I welcome trasformation.
I welcome growth.
I welcome abundance.
I welcome closeness and sisterhood.
I welcome ALL of my magick.
I know what I need.
I AM READY.